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These moments

Sometimes they arrive in the middle of the night
Or during the afternoon working
Thoughts of her, and a future not seen before.
I wish I can take back the things I miss the most.
But then I know deep down she's not coming back to me.
It was a nice thought to have
Nice to know her for the moment, and have that instant gratification

As I keep drifting, my mind only can go so far as to understanding lies.
Love is not ceased, it is non existent. I remind myself with little hope of having that feeling once again
I haven't written anything just because I know the spite I have towards those I love so dear
And this resentment grows strong, the proof that someone does not care drives me...
Drives me different directions, but mostly towards anger and restless solitude.
I couldn't even sleep last night knowing that anyone can be with her.

My mind is grown to adulthood. My body is still that of a child, leaving disconnected channels within my body
Is my bodies' lack of communication the reason for my non understanding personality?
I have to ponder the distinctions and dissatisfactions I live with. There must be something I'm not seeing
I do know that I have many oppositions that I am faced with, whether it be personal or personal.
I'm saying I have alot of enemies that attack me personally, but that includes myself.

I wonder at times if I'm at all to blame for all of this travesty I cause.
I am a walking shadow of the mistakes, while the mistakes hold themselves high above my head pridefully.
I stay at home living in the shame of my life but that has changed, 2016..
It has been a year I have been living with this newfound heart, niether cold or loving.
Finally just a fleshy beating heart fitted with all of my dreams and things I aspire to become

Ceaseless is the love I've carried, torn is the belief I once held high.
I only believe in one absolute truth though I have been told there are no absolute truths.
The one truth is love is not here. Love is dead and technology thrives to take whats mine.
I am sensing a hint of darkness in me, but not in a gothic sense.
Morbid about the reality of my world.
I know it, and I can't deny the truth about it and myself.

Tinder, OKCUPID, Badoo, just falsehoods about what people intend for one another.
We all know the truth, and deny the reason of the truth and where it is derived from.
Then the violin plays a melody that speaks freely from lies and regret.
It frees me from the torment, and lets my mind relax in freefall.
Free from the forceful mindsets put into play.
I need none of the pressure, but only need one thing.

Freedom from all

Train of thought

Clarity to insight, peace of mind.
I've been struggling, only in the night.
Thoughts begin to wrestle, my past is in the mess
I tangled myself in this mindless oblivion.
I'm trying to find a way out.

Why, to the questions that appear in there?
Is there more to think of other than my creating my insanity?
I cannot find resolution with this love, it's ceasing to exist.
Love for myself is another disappearing act.

The drives to venice beach in the morning are the best
They were the best.
Joblessness
Responsibility ceased
It was a time that I was able to understand.
What I want.
I want a life by the beach
How can I get back to that?
I was so lucky, how can I be so lucky again

I long for that feeling again.
The complete utter freedom I felt with the sun roof down.
The 405 clear, driving so far.
I can get it back.
I can go back to that When I want.

I see something in a distance.
It scares me, cause I know nothing of it.
It's not the future, nor the present.
What is it, this void?


All the drugs in life TOOK ME FOR THAT RIDE
gave me a false solution, with more complicated equations.
I love her. I love me.
If I don't solve these equations here, I'll never find what I'm looking for.
It's her.

She exist. I know it. I feel her. I seen her in my sleep
Something of her lingers within me.
She's gonna be there to share life with.
That's all I want. Someone to share my scorn.
Someone to walk with in the day and night
Someone to say to " I would become nothing if you didn't exist."
"You are my life, and the light. Thank you"

Only in dreams is where she waits.
She's not real, she's ideal.
I am nothing because she's part of this existential crisis
I thought you'd change for me
But it's not like I would because that's the reason I fell for you

Oh lord please give me a sign someone is on the way
Cause I can't carry all of this weight on my own
I am who you see me as, and nothing more
aimless and pointless purpose in the sea.

Indian Summer

I see her in my dreams, she appears to me again.
It's been a while, the feeliing isn't miles
Closer to my heart, a riptide pulling the strings
She's in there, stopping to fill her tank

We're on the same path, I feel her next to me
She breathes so deeply it takes the breathe from my lips
Pressed against my chest she sleeps with a wolf
My LA woman, tending wounds of time

I feel her next to me, walking down the street
She sings the words of the muses, I lose myself in the sounds
The nuance has me in a trance, I can listen for days
Her thoughts are my drugs, her body is sex

I feel her lips pressed on me, sitting on her bed
I see where it'll go, better than all the rest
She's all I need in the summer, she's got a hold on me
I'm all hers if shes willing, she's all mine with her will.

I wish you knew how I felt, I feel better
Better than all the rest. Cause she's all I need
My drug of drugs, my heart of thornes.
Is it what I need, the desire that is fire

I love you the best
Cause when I sleep... I start to see the light
It's in her eyes, it's in the sky.
She is the city, my angel of night.

If someone took my advice

I don't understand it, really.
I try really hard to make others feel better..
But do you want to know what I have to say about that?
Here's my advice..
Think about yourself first.
Take time to know you.
Workout to vent, don't be dependent.
Don't hate people for not agreeing with you, embrace them.
Eat good food by yourself some days.
Read a book.
Learn things no one else can learn.
Stop fucking caring about what people think.
Stop calling your exe's, they're exes and it's not love.
Love your family.
Respect a neighbor and do em a favor.
Sing proudly, because people can't do the same.
Be happy, because not everyone has good health or youth.
Play music, it's the only stress reliever I know that works.
Make a movie, it'll give you something to do in your free time.
Make a memorable speech that is human.
Tell your best friend you love em no matter what.
Kiss a stranger
Stop telling yourself you can't do anything, you are capable.
Don't hold anything in unless it is too unpleasant, have respect asshole.
Stop worrying about other people's lives.
Stop being just a fan
Be a writer
Be a poet
Be a musician
Drive far far far away from home on a mini road trip
Most importantly, be free from your own mind and those you surround yourself with. Look up at the sky and realize you are the smallest spec standing out in a sky by distant lights, connected in some universal way by forces that can't be explained. Whether it be the love you are stuck with inside of your soul, or the hatred that had fueled you thus far from everything.. Lose yourself in the small moments and forget that your past existed.

Live in the now.

Insecurities Rise like a wave of tides

Every time I write or type, it's always when I feel at my worst. I start to loathe and hate myself for not being somebody of importance by now, at age 24. Time is going so fast I just don't know how to stop it.. I'm sad and angry about a lot and don't know how else to feel. I remember I was told that once Happiness builds up, sadness is sure to follow. My heart still wants more than ever. I'm sick of it, so sick of life and fucken trying to impress people like some dam piece of shit puppet. I hate pleasing others. I hate everything about judgement from people and what you should expect from who and what. Its not what I planned.. This isn't what I wanted at all for myself. I forgot what I want and i FORGOT How I'm gonna do it if that one person I want and need doesn't believe in me but fuck themmmmMmm!!!!! I wanna kill myself but I CANT BECAUSE I REFUSE TO QUIT LIKE THAT!!!! IM TIRED OF THE SAME ROUTINE!! I HATE IT ALL.. NO DRIVE OR NO MOTIVATION FROM THE PEOPLE I THOUGHT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.. IM SO LOST ALL THE TIME AND HAVE NO TIME TO THINK WHAT COULD I BE DOING DIFFERENTLY TO MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY, ALL THESE PROBLEMS.. .THESE PROBLEMS.. WHERES MY HOPE AND FREEDOM??? WHERES THE GIRL THAT SAID SHE LOVED ME? WHERE IS ANYTHING ANY REASON TO KEEP MOVING!!?!?!? THE MUSIC DOESN'T PLAY IN MY HEAD ANYMORE IM LOST!! IM NUMB, I DONT FEEL AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AND WHEN I DO HAVE A FEELING ITS OVER SOME BITCH WHO DOESN'T GIVE TO SHITS ABOUT ME!! IM SO INSECURE, SO FUCKEN LOST THAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE EVERY LITTLE ASPECT OF THEIR EXISTENCE IS MEANINGLESS NO LOVE NO LIFE NO CARE FOR ANY ONE BUT THEMSELVES.. I CAN'T BE THAT PERSON, I CAN'T I LOVE TOO MUCH AND HERE I AM..

The Graveyard's full

I can't fucken sleep cause I just fucken dont feel like doing that shit I dont feel like doing anything but being a successs is something to look fucken forward to. Suck a dick life Im gonna fuck you in your asshole you son of a bitch, you. Trying to shit on me and make me unhappy with invisible thoughts of doubt. I hate you, no one has power over me but the higher powers. I have alot in mind but cant express it correctly, but its good

Steph..

Some pains find a way to make it in sight once more. A clear mind, and a clear heart.. These things that help carry the strength to do good, originate from the memory of something you were to naive to conceive in the reality and perspective of truth.. The truth is that nothing last forever as I once believed at a time. The lingering pain of a love so powerful, it moved the very world you were standing on. And with every kiss, the ground ceased to exist for the moment my lips touched her lips. This love I felt, I believe can not be replaced by another so easily. As I stopped running from the past, I turned around to face it. My demons, my truths, and my punishment for what I have become, were staring directly into my eyes like the beast in the abyss waiting to pull me towards the darkness so I can lose sight of the path I sought out for many years.. A Devil in its own realm, whispering infidelities and lies into my ear.. I could not look away, or stop hearing the voices and see all the wrongs I have created in my world. I have no excuse for the behaviors or disgusting facts about myself. The metaphorical fictional Demon has become more real in my life than my own path to salvation and success. I dwell with the problems when I find myself alone, and what makes the long pain worst is stopping and thinking, "I wonder if she were to see me now, would she have felt the same as she did the first day she saw me outside her window?" And when these thoughts become fantasies they become dark. I can see her laughing or being happy she made the decision to leave me.. Then I wonder about my Honor, Duty, Dignity, and Pride.. Through all of these thoughts, I'm left alone to wonder if she loved me or thinks of me.. Misses me, wants me back.. My heart belonged to this woman for 2 years of my life. For these two years I felt her, heard her, listen to her tears, her joy, her sadness, and talked back.. Her love was felt all around and her presence still lingers, bitterly. Every woman I've dated after her was either not as beautiful, or not as smart, or very promiscuous. She was the only woman with the vision I shared. She had honor, as I became dishonest with her. Now my love has ceased, her love for me has disappeared, and I can not have her back as I would want her now. My only real relationship, and the only person who thought to call me in days as long as these, to check in and see how I was doing.. Now the only thing I see and feel is this pain, only the pain is real in my life. I can't remember the feeling of being loved brings to me because I don't see it or feel it, and I don't know if it really existed in the first place.. It is this feeling that keeps me from going to bed at night, sometimes. I miss her so much but don't feel good enough for her. I hate her for making me feel the way I do now and seeing someone else after me.. My heart hurts and gets heavy at the thought of another man claiming what is mine. Stephanie.. Why would you do this to me, after all we've been through, the worries, pain and struggles that we endured together.. We were so compatible at one point, my love. We were perfect.. But now I'm trapped in my own mind wondering how it all fell apart, and if I'll ever find someone better than you. It'll always be you, is what it comes down to in the end. You were my first official love, because we shared everything, body and mind. You never wronged me, and how I wish I have found you before any of the other women before. None of these girls I've typed about have changed my life as much as you have.. If I had it all, Id give you part of me.. You were a major part of what I am.. only the good qualities..... I love you. But I have to let you go.. The idea of you being my wife is long gone, and in all truth, I wouldn't want you now that you've been with more than one partner. I was supposed to be your only partner to share everything, and now that ship has sailed and left.. Waves crashing, against the cold wooden ship taking me somewhere I don't wanna be apart from you.. I can see. Goodbye, Stephanie... Steph.... I'll always love you. The idea of you...

Nostalgia

I have a problem right now, and don't know how to deal with it. I feel very alone at the moment and embarrassed to confront this loneliness I'm starting to feel. No one understands that I'm not always a tough guy and not always mean, I'm hurting inside, deep inside that it starts to bulge into this little amounts of sadness that come out when I cry. I fucken cry, yes, and it sets me free.. I hate feeling alone, like sometimes there's no one that actually cares.. Its hard to be fun without a drink and do stupid shit without a drink, you almost feel useless because the majority of your love life was so focused on being a drinker and going to your local bar together as bf gf, husband and wife with the same ol friends we knew and stuck with.. Now I just feel fucken foolish as hell.... I refuse to believe this is the result of things, me alone. No one else to get or try and understand me, the fact that no one actually gives a damn about me, except for me of course and that in itself feels like a burden for me. I feel like I wanna be 17 again, just to remember what true love felt like when I was a Kid.. That first person you told that you loved, and they expressed the same feelings of love for you. Nostalgia sets in, like a bad cold that stays with you for a week until you feel better.. then you start wondering when that feeling is gonna come back again and what do you do? you can't go out with the people you knew and just drink again to start from scratch again. I just wish someone cared..... Actually cared for real.. Not just a pat on the back kinda thing, just gave a fuck and became family... I miss having my dream girl . the dreams I had seem faded....

Mind Unsettled

It disturbs me to see I've been hunting for something that wasn't really meant to be hunted. You cannot make a person feel for you what you felt for them the moment they were captured by your eye. Little instances put a fire in your heart n soul that drive you to becoming a stranger to yourself. I call this phenomenon statue eyes.. So fixed on one person, so obsessed with getting this person you'd risk all you know, to get.. Like an achievement, a feel good high.. But without it I feel very alone at times and want to be left alone. People Are obsessed with other people and it bothers me that im not obsessed over, I just hate it, life is tainted by moments that you cant create but its seen through another camera lens, so you become obsessed with something you don't have and you start to show little appreciation for the things you have.. Envy grows in you when you see a rich piece of undeserving shit having the girl, the house, the car you've always wanted.. They don't have honor, they are disgusting, and these are the men women are attracted to because society and tv made this so? Why can't anyone see that its not right to be used, and its not right to do that to people.. Love is dead, its in the past.. Images are gone and fade from my mind. I thought I had it all figured out but I don't think I do. Im so lost it makes me want to cry.. I wish I knew how to hold my feelings and control them, instead of having them run my life as they seem to do.. I'm feeling pretty sad. I stopped my life to satisfy the needs of another and achieved nothing from it. Im a fool, for having done this just to see where it goes. It just takes me to lost. And in makes me, breaks me, and angers me.. I wish I was the wind, just careless brushing the hairs of her everlasting divinity. I cant deny all these feelings I hold inside because they have been my life and I cannot heal.. I miss being loved. I miss being held when I was down and out of my luck. I missed it and don't know what to do with this weird void I have yet to fill. These steps I've taken have gone backwards, I lost my thought process and haven't aged. Im done trying to keep up with these women that I thought could love me. If this keeps up, I'll just do myself in for being an idiot trying to be in love or find the person who will lift away my afflictions.. She hasn't been here since April 2011. It kills me just to think that I was that close and may have made a mistake.. I was so obsessed and now I feel the trama without drinking.. All I wanna do is give up and drink but I can't.. I'll kill myself I feel it closer to me.. Death wants my soon departed soul, every breathe is getting closer to what I feel is the end.. It's gonna catch me by surprise.... Whats the whole purpose if no one wants you or inspires you? there's no attraction or necessity present. Where do I go and what do I do... WITH ALL MY GUILT, ALL THIS PAIN OVER THE ACCUMULATION OF TIME, ALL THESE THINGS I SAY IM SORRY FOR AND ALL THESE THINGS ILL KEEP FROM ALL OF YOU. WHEN IM DEAD WILL I BE HAPPY, WILL I EVEN KNOW.. I hate feeling this sense of loss.. I have to find my soul lost in the tunnel of time.